Coming Out and Being Honestby Melissa J | More from this Blogger 08 Jan 2007 02:24 AM I've spent the last 15 years underestimating a problem I have. Rather than confronting it, I believed ignoring it as in issue would make it go way. I struggle with obesity; I have an eating disorder. Unlike many other issues people struggle with, mine stands out obvious to anyone who sees me. It's not that I've denied being overweight, it's that I refused to make it an issue or define who I am. Instead I've tried to overcompensate, hoping to shine what's inside me, that it might radiate and people wouldn't notice my weight. I fear I've reached a point where I can't continue on if I'm going to be the woman I want to be. I believe my eating disorder started around age fourteen after a series of events in my life. I minimized some things that had happened to make it easier for me to cope with my pain. I started using laxatives at about 14 as a way to purge. I did not have a weight problem then. I would binge, feel guilt, not eat then use laxatives. My laxative dosage increased with time since the initial dose didn't retain its effectiveness. My body was wiped of nutrients. I was pasty, had dark circles under my eyes, my medications were not effective... As an older teenager, I met my now husband. I felt good around him and wanted to spend more time with him rather than in the bathroom! No one told me of the consequences to my body when rapidly changing a lifestyle. For two years my body had not had a normal bowl movement. I should have been taken to a doctor on one occasion when I bled so badly from the tearing in my body, but I was so ashamed of what was happening to me and I felt it would be easier to just deal with it on my own. In less than one year's time, I put on seventy pounds! I am five feet, two inches tall and at that time hit almost two-hundred pounds. I don't think my body knew quite what to do about the rapid changes. I didn't seem to care because for the first time in years, I was happy. I have lived the last decade and a half full of pride believing I'd overcome an eating disorder. Though I had some weight fluxuation over the years, more recently I have been at the highest weight in my life. I have begun to have health issues as a result. It's not enough for me to just work out more or eat less. My issue with food goes beyond calorie counting and burning; it has been an issue of control and I'm just now realizing I've let it have more control over me than I've had over it. I'll continue on in my next blog about dealing with self-image. Please visit some of my related blogs: Melissa is a Families.com Christian Blogger. Read her blogs at: http://members.families.com/mj7/blog Relevantweight loss tags Food | Scrapbooking | weight loss | holidays | children | pregnancy | baby | Kids | christmas | Coupons User Comments  swellen (70) 08 Jan 2007 04:31 AM"Instead I've tried to overcompensate, hoping to shine what's inside me, that it might radiate and people wouldn't notice my weight." My dear friend... yes, you have a problem and you're courageous to recognise it and be ready to deal with it... but let me assure you, you DO shine. Don't ever believe otherwise.  mama2riley (24481) 08 Jan 2007 10:26 AMOh Melissa I am so sorry that you have had to deal with this kind of struggle, but I can see how God has already used this trial in your life to shape and mold who you are and you are a beautiful person. You are so strong to admit these things and share them here. That is the biggest step in healing. I'm here if you ever need to talk.  Julie Gentry (5915) 28 Jan 2007 07:27 PMMelissa, what's inside is obviously very beautiful. You're strong, you will prevail.  QueenAngie Central Illinois, USA (60086) 28 Jan 2007 08:03 PMMJ7, you are a beautiful person inside and out! Write that on your bathroom mirror with a smiley face. Community Tags bulimia, denial, Eating Disorder, laxatives, obesity Discuss this article
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